Are You Good Enough? Confession #1 From Someone Who's Not!

So are you? Are you good enough for the world? Good enough to be a leader to draw others to God? Are you even good enough to call yourself a Christian?

I assure you the answer is "NO" and neither am I. It is only as I give God the power (that's a funny thought in and of itself) to think God gives me free will that I have to turn over power to him before he can truly work in my life is really ironic. Little me with all my fear, struggles, failures, secrets that I don't want anyone else to know "giving" power to the creator of heaven & Earth!

I want my life to be transparent, I want others to look in and see all my junk! Many will say I need to be careful people will judge me & I can honestly say it took a long time to get here, but I really don't care. I want you to see the joy, the kindness, the love & know that when you see that it's not me at all, it is the areas of my life I have surrendered to God. I want others to desire the same thing & know that you can have all that "junk" & still be a force for the kingdom of God. He doesn't need perfect people he just needs willing obedient ones!

But what if I tell everybody my "secrets" & they think less of me? Then they're not ready & thats ok. People can judge me, think less of me or even decide not to be my friend & I will be just fine. I am not defined by what everyone "thinks". I have a friend who loves me despite all my faults & I believe this is what he wants me to do. He wants me to show that I don't have it "all together" & yet God is using me in a mighty way. My prayer is that through my transparency he will reach others to know that they too are "good enough" WITH HIM to do anything he puts in their path.

Confession #1 - The man that my friends & family know as my "Daddy" adopted me. He did not come into my life until I was 10 yrs. old. He treasured me & treated me like I was his very own. My biological father was a violent man who lived one life to the world & a very different one behind closed doors. He attended church regularly but what I saw lived at home was anything but Christ like. Biologically, I am half of him no matter how hard I have pretended not to be. There was a time (not in last 5 yrs) that all my good deeds were to make sure that anyone who found out how "bad" he was could never look at me & say "Oh I wonder if she is like him?" I didn't cuss, I didn't drink (tasted alcohol for the first time at 32), went to church, didn't watch R rated movies & I was actively volunteering in the community. See, now I'm good (or so I told myself)

My life now is full of what many would call "good deeds" but the motive is purely to shine light on Christ, it comes from a desire to just love people the way Christ loves them. I have realized tonight that I have never REALLY forgiven him & I am going to contact him within the next few months, praying right now about when I should do this & what I will say. I have not spoken to him at all since I was about 11. I imagine he will be a little surprised to hear from me. :-) I have to remember that hurting people hurt others. He came from a dysfunctional family & is a product of his pain. I pray that he has moved away from the man he was once was, anyone can change & God offered forgiveness to all his children.

Many confessions to follow....

What is it in your life that Satan uses to make you feel "less than"? What have you allowed to be a belief that is not what the Bible tells you?

A friend told me something recently that it strikes her that God asked Adam & Eve "Who told you that you were naked?" IT WAS SATAN!

I am trying daily now to only believe what God, my Daddy, my Savior, my friend, my love tells me! I am "good enough"! He wants to do a work in me, but I have to tear down my walls & let him rule & reign!

I have to let God sit on the throne of my life by following him, submitting to his will. I can't say I trust God & follow him & knowingly do things he says not to. If "I" am on the throne then he is not! (Have you seen my butt? No seriously, there is really not room for both of us! lol)

GODLY women are asleep at this hour!

Well I can honestly say when I woke up this morning I certainly didn't see myself blogging for the 2nd time ever & my first time since March at 1:30 in the morning. I'm almost certain most respectable Godly women are asleep right now. I am assuming that most of you know me best through Facebook, even many people I see day to day tend to "keep up" with me this way. I am excited about using this blog to express thoughts in more depths from some of the posts you see. My prayer is that you also grow in your walk as you share my journey with me.

I was recently laid off from my job & I don't know that I will be returning to the "work force" anytime soon. I have known for sometime that I wasn't where God wanted me anymore. My corporate job was the perfect job for me for a season. It had a very flexible schedule, enabled me to bring my children to work with me, paid a very nice salary which enabled our family to help out many others as well as provide all the extras & I was even given many opportunities to minister while working there. I am clear that for a season it was exactly where I was supposed to be. But as I have done so many times before I didn't hear God when he whispered to me that this season had passed & it was time to move on. So as of July 5th he yelled & I heard.

I am so often amazed at how many people confide that they look up to me spiritually as a role model, quite honestly I am thinking "Whoa if you are going to look up to someone, you really should set your sights a lot higher" I have even confided to many that sometimes I think I am on the spiritual "little bus". Don't get me wrong when it comes to "making a difference", being thankful, praising, full of joy, not questioning God's plans & even some other areas I have got it down! These are areas I do not struggle in at all. These are the areas that the world generally sees of me & quite honestly it is like looking at wonderful house on a great stretch of land, equipped with fine amenities whose builder forgot to install a kitchen. I use the analogy of the missing kitchen because I hate to cook! Please do not message me & tell me that good Godly women cook, I have a mother in law who is known for being one of the best cooks ever. She can take corn meal, meat, egg plant from the garden & apple sauce & turn it into a gourmet meal in under 30 minutes...lol. I have also read of the Proverbs 31 woman & she cooks too!

That being said, my "kitchen" is about to be under construction. It will not be "good enough" to be lacking spiritually in certain ways anymore. The Almighty perfect God drew the blue prints for me, he equipped me with everything I needed. The things I am missing in my life are from the lies of Satan delivered to me through life experiences, media, my peers & countless other mediums that were not the truths of my creator. Who am I not to be all that he wants me to be? (Just so you are not getting lost in the kitchen analogy I will not be posting recipes nor do I think being a great cook is part of God's plan for my life!)

I have a feeling that most if not all of you have a missing kitchen or added areas to your "house" that was not in your original design too. My prayer is that through this blog God reveals through my struggles, honesty & my occasional attempt at humor many things to you, one is that you are an imperfect princess serving a Perfect King & that you are not alone!